So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
