Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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