i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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