Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
