I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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