Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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