I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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