I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
