just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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