So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Randomize
