Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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