awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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