Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
