my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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