sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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