I must be too annoying 4 u.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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