His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
