Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
