Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
wanna go halves on a baby?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
