YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
