In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
