my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
