He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
