happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
