you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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