i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
