I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
i drank out of a bidet.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
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