I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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