i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
