i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
