I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Ketchup is God's man juice
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
