She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize