i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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