there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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