life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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