Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
