eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
