that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
