i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
