ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
