I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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