Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I think my moral compass just broke
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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