rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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