I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
