I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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