I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
