Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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