To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
