this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
