I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize