god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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