census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
