Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
