I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
