Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
