Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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