how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
