I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
