Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize