I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
