The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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